Over the next few weeks I may post 1, 2 or even 3 blog posts a day. There are a lot of thoughts that come through my head during the day and feelings regarding my marriage that I may not want to forget. My goal is to write down everything, because I know in the upcoming months I will forget certain details and I will need these details for those times that I will regret my decision or wonder was it really that bad?
I still am not a 100% sure that I made the right decision to leave, or at least I'm not sure if I made the decision at the right time. I go from being sure to doubtful and regretful through out the day.
In this blog I wanted to write down some of my main negative feelings during this marriage and what doubts and questions would go through my mind most days. A lot of these things I brought up to him as well, but 99.9% of the time they were dismissed, ignored or responded to by anger.
- I felt like he wanted me to be a pet, not a wife. I don't always remember why he made me feel that way and so often, but I know in many arguments I mentioned that I don't want to be his pet, I don't want to follow him around like a dog and get petted when he feels like it and given a treat if i'm a good girl. To be barking and jumping in joy no matter what he does. I think that was probably the main thing I complained to him in our marriage, that he wants a pet not a wife. Anyone else ever have that feeling?
It's funny in one of our last arguments he told me I want him to be a pet and that he will never be like that. (projection?) I never wanted a pet, I wanted to be equals!
- I felt like his love was not sincere or deep
- I felt like coming down to it (or given an ultimatum), he would choose his friends, video games, legal drugs or any other thing for that matter that he chose to have in his life over me. It was all about control for him so even if something obviously hurt our relationship he would never give it up because then he would "lose" and be "dominated". He was obsessed with domination! If I shared my feelings about something he was doing, no matter how slight or friendly, he would say: I will Never let you dominate me Ever!!! Me: wtf????!!?
- Double standards! He would curse me, degrade me and talk to me in the most condescending manner calling me names and if I complained he was just stating "FACTS".... But if I said the tiniest negative thing or criticism or even just question something he did or said he would RAGE and call me the most disturbing things and pack up and leave to his friends. His insults were always facts and my reaction to his insult was always me being an ungrateful, disrespectful b*tch.
- When it came to physical intimacy he wanted it to be his way or the highway. I never gave in to that because I felt like it was wrong, but he never stopped ridiculing me and insulting me because of it and in the end I think the fact that I never fully gave in to his requests lead him to not be able to fake his 'love' for much longer.
- I always worried why a self professing Christian from a Christian traditional family who goes to church and participates in related study groups would choose friends who are 10 years his junior, drug addicts or ex drug addicts, with no values and into porn and things of that nature. This always bothered me, and the fact that he spent most of his time with them and we never had time to make some new mutual friends together that we can both hang out with. Did he chose them because they would never question his actions and character???
- I always felt like all his nice deeds and actions towards me were just acting. I don't know maybe it's my interpretation only and maybe it's not nice of me to think this way but I always felt like he does those nice things to either get something from me in return or to bring it up later in his rage mode to say see I do everything for you and you do nothing. (even though I left my job, life, city I lived in for half of my life, my family and friends to go 5 hour away to marry him and live with him so he doesn't lose his job or friends and family) I mean only God can judge how much of what he did was genuine but I could never shed that feelings of doubt!
- I never understood how someone can say they love someone the most in the world and tell you that you make them so happy and they pray God helps them to love you more everyday for the rest of your lives, AND THEN 5 seconds later you ask a question that their sensitive ego takes as an attack or share a feeling regarding something they disagree and he would turn into this wrathful angry enemy calling you to war, putting his boxing gloves on (figuratively speaking) and say the most hurtful, cruel things to you. And when you listen to a Narcissist say those words to you, you can feel the hate, coldness, war and lack of compassion. It's quite scary and bone chilling how fast they go from one extreme to the other.
- I hated how he was always in competition with me, I would start talking about a subject just to share my thoughts, and the second I would disagree with something he said he would get into I'm better than you, You suck at this I don't, You don't have the right to even speak of this because I know more and am better, Only speak to me about the subject when you obviously aren't worse than me at it, etc.
I hated it because most of the times it was just something to discuss, like all married couples do, something to plan our future, something to make us get closer, never my intention to compare myself to him but he would always always always turn every conversation either into a war, competition or a challenge.
- He was so unfair because he said I started every argument, but he failed to acknowledge or notice that he would provoke me and push my buttons over and over or do something obviously unpleasant or wrong and then as soon as I reacted he would say as usual you are starting the argument and then from that point on tables were turned and we had forget the subject and just talk about how much of an ungrateful, rebellious wife I am.
- If I brought up to him the fact that he was raging and aggressive towards me and he needs to stop attacking me like that, he would say you think this is angry? you think this is aggressive? *insert proud condescending smirk* you haven't seen aggressive! If I showed you real anger and aggression you would fall down on the ground curled up in a ball like the weak woman that you are! (I have to mention his abuse was never physical)
Sigh, it's very very sad writing all this and having the memories come back but at the same time it's therapeutic because then I know why I would have never been at peace for the rest of my life if I stayed. Or do they get better? Is there hope for this kind of situation?
S.
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