Merry Christmas.... lonely Christmas...

I wanted to wish all of you who celebrate Christmas a very blessed evening.. I hope that your Christmas is less painful and less lonely than mine..

I let my Narcissist to hurt me again, tonight, on Christmas eve.. He had told me that he wants to come see me for Christmas, he had booked his hotel since last week and he was going to bring couple of boxes of my stuff that I had left there. He even told me he bought me a gift.. He was being extra nice the last few days.. Telling me how much he loves me and misses me.. Usually when he did this, it only meant one thing.. he wants SEX! It was always like this, whenever he was being extra nice and did things for me and was extra thoughtful it was only because he wanted to get intimate.. Which is not a huge problem when we were together and at least living somewhat like married couples.. Even though I always felt like why can't he just show care and kindness towards me out of love, at least once in a while.. why is it always because of physical gratification?

But now, after all the hurt, heart break and upset, he wants me to just forget about everything and just jump into bed with him when he visits for 2 days? Was it wrong of me to tell him to not have any expectations and lets take it slow and go one step at a time? Was it wrong of me to tell him lets focus this visit on mending some of the hurtful things said and plan a better future? I reminded him that for the last month he had trash talked me to everyone he knows, and insulted me whatever chance he gets and we are separated and have a lot of issues to work on... He Didn't Want To Hear this!!!!!
He reminded me that everything is my fault, that I obviously don't want to mend the relationship since I don't want to have sex. He told me he didn't want to talk about relationship stuff this visit and just wanted to have fun and get close and intimate!!! Was it wrong of me to think this is messed up? That he wants to ignore all that happens, continues to blame me and calls me rigid and afraid because I wanted to at least talk about a few things before jumping into bed??

He did it again, and this time on Christmas eve, he made me feel like a piece of worthless sh*t. He told me this marriage is obviously hopeless since I refuse to mend things and don't want to show him love. Only because I said don't expect to get intimate right away????? He told me I hate him and I'm weird for not wanting it. Really? So I'm messed up for wanting to at least feel a tiny amount of respect or appreciation or love before jumping into bed with someone who blames everything on me??
Someone who tells me he doesn't want to talk at all about what's happened because I turn it into arguement and he just wants to have fun... this person says I don't want to mend the relationship? Yes, because having sex with the person who has hurt you and cut you off mends all the heartbreak and hurt and damage caused for over a year.... :-(

He then told me he is not coming anymore and coldly said goodnight and hung up on me!
I was so angry!! SO angry.... How stupid am I to let him so deeply upset me again! He will never stop.. he will continue to make me feel like crap, blame me, kill my spirit, blame me some more, call me names, call me selfish for not wanting to jump in bed for someone who disrespects me so badly... who has trash talked me so much to his family that his mom won't even talk to me anymore...
He is a freaking good actor... a good liar... a good manipulator... there is nothing in his heart besides manipulating others to get what he wants... He acts nice and loving to get sex... He doesn't give a f%$k about this marriage or how I feel... I'm just a piece of meat to him that is not worth staying in contact with unless I satisfy the only thing he wants... sex!
Anyway, what a cold, sad, lonely Christmas... There is nothing in this world I want more right now to be free of him... to not be married to him anymore... to have no attachment whatsoever... he is poison to my life and I don't know why I keep going back for more! He almost convinced me to feel bad for leaving and want to make efforts to put things right... I don't know if I can ever forgive him... I pray God will help me separate from him as fast as painlessly as possible... although I know it's unlikely.. Please keep me in your prayers..

Much love,
S.