It's been a few months since I last posted here. Not a lot has changed really, except I have become more and more humbled everyday by the hardships that I'm enduring and by knowledge of hardships still ahead of me.
We had a few attempts (initiated by me) to resolve our issues and work on our relationship which failed because he thought it was pointless and he is better than that. Also he is not at fault AT ALL for anything that happened so why even bother trying to fix anything. He basically told me everything was your fault, I won't ever offer you more than what I did, take it or leave it. Yet he still claims to "love" me and that he'll wear his wedding ring until the day I divorce him.
He watches as I struggle financially, not being able to get a new job and not having the option of employment insurance because I use it all during our marriage to help our lives. He knows I don't even have money to put gas in my car to go to interviews yet he tells me he loves me, prays for me, has my picture as his phone background and has hope we'll be together again one day. Yet, he doesn't make the smallest steps to mend the relationship or show his love in action. Just saves up and hides his thousands of dollars he makes every month and spends it on partying with his friends and ordering pounds and pounds of "legal" drugs and alcohol.
This is the definition of love when you are with a narcissist.
But now on to the positives.....
A few things I learned after going through this marriage from hell.
1) My compassion for those who are or have been in abusive relationships is far more real and deep now. My goal is to one day (when I recover and heal from this mess) to help those in a similar situation in anyway I can.
2) My compassion for those who are of poor means or struggle with finding a job or paying their bills every month has grown tremendously as well. I have never before in my life been in a situation where I had to rely 100% on others to provide for me and it's been a humbling and tough experience.
3) I learned a great lesson in setting boundaries and trusting my instincts and gut feelings about people. I don't know if this will be my last lesson but I'm a lot more careful about who I allow in my life.
4) My whole view of what is most important in life is now very different. After the huge support I received from my family during this rough time, I realized that is one of the greatest blessings in life and I hope to never take it for granted.
Of course there are a lot of things I still need to work on... forgiveness... trust... self esteem... and other things he destroyed to a great degree in our marriage. The sad part is I still care about him and want to stay in touch after all he's done and I still blame myself sometimes for all that went wrong. But immediately after I remind myself how I felt in that marriage and how normal loving caring human beings do not treat another person like he treated me. There is no excuse for that!
I spend my days now switching between hope for the future and being excited about the new possibilities and sadness and hopelessness, because of the failed marriage and wasting years of my life and having to start from zero again! There is a long path of healing in front of me....
