I wanted to wish all of you who celebrate Christmas a very blessed evening.. I hope that your Christmas is less painful and less lonely than mine..
I let my Narcissist to hurt me again, tonight, on Christmas eve.. He had told me that he wants to come see me for Christmas, he had booked his hotel since last week and he was going to bring couple of boxes of my stuff that I had left there. He even told me he bought me a gift.. He was being extra nice the last few days.. Telling me how much he loves me and misses me.. Usually when he did this, it only meant one thing.. he wants SEX! It was always like this, whenever he was being extra nice and did things for me and was extra thoughtful it was only because he wanted to get intimate.. Which is not a huge problem when we were together and at least living somewhat like married couples.. Even though I always felt like why can't he just show care and kindness towards me out of love, at least once in a while.. why is it always because of physical gratification?
But now, after all the hurt, heart break and upset, he wants me to just forget about everything and just jump into bed with him when he visits for 2 days? Was it wrong of me to tell him to not have any expectations and lets take it slow and go one step at a time? Was it wrong of me to tell him lets focus this visit on mending some of the hurtful things said and plan a better future? I reminded him that for the last month he had trash talked me to everyone he knows, and insulted me whatever chance he gets and we are separated and have a lot of issues to work on... He Didn't Want To Hear this!!!!!
He reminded me that everything is my fault, that I obviously don't want to mend the relationship since I don't want to have sex. He told me he didn't want to talk about relationship stuff this visit and just wanted to have fun and get close and intimate!!! Was it wrong of me to think this is messed up? That he wants to ignore all that happens, continues to blame me and calls me rigid and afraid because I wanted to at least talk about a few things before jumping into bed??
He did it again, and this time on Christmas eve, he made me feel like a piece of worthless sh*t. He told me this marriage is obviously hopeless since I refuse to mend things and don't want to show him love. Only because I said don't expect to get intimate right away????? He told me I hate him and I'm weird for not wanting it. Really? So I'm messed up for wanting to at least feel a tiny amount of respect or appreciation or love before jumping into bed with someone who blames everything on me??
Someone who tells me he doesn't want to talk at all about what's happened because I turn it into arguement and he just wants to have fun... this person says I don't want to mend the relationship? Yes, because having sex with the person who has hurt you and cut you off mends all the heartbreak and hurt and damage caused for over a year.... :-(
He then told me he is not coming anymore and coldly said goodnight and hung up on me!
I was so angry!! SO angry.... How stupid am I to let him so deeply upset me again! He will never stop.. he will continue to make me feel like crap, blame me, kill my spirit, blame me some more, call me names, call me selfish for not wanting to jump in bed for someone who disrespects me so badly... who has trash talked me so much to his family that his mom won't even talk to me anymore...
He is a freaking good actor... a good liar... a good manipulator... there is nothing in his heart besides manipulating others to get what he wants... He acts nice and loving to get sex... He doesn't give a f%$k about this marriage or how I feel... I'm just a piece of meat to him that is not worth staying in contact with unless I satisfy the only thing he wants... sex!
Anyway, what a cold, sad, lonely Christmas... There is nothing in this world I want more right now to be free of him... to not be married to him anymore... to have no attachment whatsoever... he is poison to my life and I don't know why I keep going back for more! He almost convinced me to feel bad for leaving and want to make efforts to put things right... I don't know if I can ever forgive him... I pray God will help me separate from him as fast as painlessly as possible... although I know it's unlikely.. Please keep me in your prayers..
Much love,
S.
Tuesday, December 24, 2013
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
What does the bible say about narcissistic abusive men/women?
2 Timothy 3:1-9
New International Version (NIV)
3 But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. 2 People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud,abusive, disobedient to their parents,ungrateful, unholy, 3 without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, 4 treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God— 5 having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people.
6 They are the kind who worm their way into homes and gain control over gullible women, who are loaded down with sins and are swayed by all kinds of evil desires, 7 always learning but never able to come to a knowledge of the truth.8 Just as Jannes and Jambres opposed Moses,so also these teachers oppose the truth. They are men of depraved minds, who, as far as the faith is concerned, are rejected. 9 But they will not get very far because, as in the case of those men, their folly will be clear to everyone.
Sent it to my narcissist but I think he didn't get it!
Thursday, December 12, 2013
He hooked me again, then discarded me!
Wow, I let him do it to me again. He hooked me by being nice and understanding for a few days. Telling me how much he loves me and misses me. Tell me he wants to come visit me for the holidays and just spend it doing fun things that I like. I told him that's great but we still would need to talk about the real issues our marriage.
So he sends me an email that says here are 5 things I need in marriage to be happy. To summarize it was: 1) more sex 2) peace 3) Me not taking what he says out of context or exaggerating it 4) Let him be himself and tell me everything 5) Let him make the decisions
I felt it's a harmless enough list and thought maybe he now wants to starts a fair conversation about each of our needs and how we can make this work. So in response I sent him short list of things I need. In summery it was this: 1) Love me unconditionally and appreciate me and let me do the same back to you 2) Be open and honest with me, drop the mask, drop the image and be the real you 3) Don't twist everything I say to turn it into something evil and assume I have bad intentions
So we have a phone call later in the evening and his response to my email was, I don't believe what you say S. I don't think you represent yourself correctly. You are not this loving angel that you try to portray. If you were this person you would have shown it during our time together so I don't believe you are this person.
I was so hurt so I tried to explain that how I was in our marriage (unhappy, unsatisfied, hurt) was because of all the negativity (and his abuse) that I had to deal with since day 1 of our honeymoon. That I always wanted us to be happy and had so much love to give. That I want us to be like this from now on even if we had a crappy year.
He then proceeded to blame me again for everything that went wrong in our marriage, painted himself as an angel and me as an angry ungrateful wife. When I tried to defend myself he hung up the phone on me and sent me a text saying "I don't have to deal with your crap, goodnight".
I was shaking.. I was sick to my stomach..
He then sent me an email saying the more I read about what you wrote the more I realize you ask sooooo much from me and you only give 10% of what I give. You just ask too much!
I ignored his email until this morning and then in my hurt and desperation sent a reply saying I didn't know asking for love and respect and fairness is sooo much to ask. And I told him he doesn't want me to love him and the more I try to love him the more he wants to hurt me. He doesn't want this marriage to work and he just wants to win. He is playing games, even when I pour out my heart and try to reach out to him, he finds a way to upset me and I congratulated him on his "win" and reminded him how unchristian this is and that God is my witness and my guardian and my protector.
He will either not reply at all and plot how to take revenge by probably badmouthing me to everyone in his hometown and by letting our debts go into arrears, etc. OR he will send a reply calling my love a fake or none existent and telling me he's done with my ungrateful disrespectful crap!
Why don't I learn from history? Why don't I learn that he is not working from the same belief and logic system as me or most others. He just wants win, hurt, dominate, control and when he can't accomplish this by faking kindness and care then he will do it by destroying, revenge and discarding.
Now I feel sick to my stomach again and feel down and worthless and like a failure again. Doubting myself! He did it again and now he is on with his life celebrating his victory and feeling sorry for himself being a victim of an evil bad wife for so long.
I have been feeling very ill physically the last few weeks, I have had strange symptoms and some match those of an early pregnancy. As I mentioned earlier there is a small chance this could be the case but I hope and pray to God I'm not punished by being pregnant with his child. I told him I feel sick and I feel like I may be pregnant. He called me crazy and changed the subject. Just the thought of having to deal with his abuse for another 18+ years while trying to protect another human being from his poison scares me to death.
S.
So he sends me an email that says here are 5 things I need in marriage to be happy. To summarize it was: 1) more sex 2) peace 3) Me not taking what he says out of context or exaggerating it 4) Let him be himself and tell me everything 5) Let him make the decisions
I felt it's a harmless enough list and thought maybe he now wants to starts a fair conversation about each of our needs and how we can make this work. So in response I sent him short list of things I need. In summery it was this: 1) Love me unconditionally and appreciate me and let me do the same back to you 2) Be open and honest with me, drop the mask, drop the image and be the real you 3) Don't twist everything I say to turn it into something evil and assume I have bad intentions
So we have a phone call later in the evening and his response to my email was, I don't believe what you say S. I don't think you represent yourself correctly. You are not this loving angel that you try to portray. If you were this person you would have shown it during our time together so I don't believe you are this person.
I was so hurt so I tried to explain that how I was in our marriage (unhappy, unsatisfied, hurt) was because of all the negativity (and his abuse) that I had to deal with since day 1 of our honeymoon. That I always wanted us to be happy and had so much love to give. That I want us to be like this from now on even if we had a crappy year.
He then proceeded to blame me again for everything that went wrong in our marriage, painted himself as an angel and me as an angry ungrateful wife. When I tried to defend myself he hung up the phone on me and sent me a text saying "I don't have to deal with your crap, goodnight".
I was shaking.. I was sick to my stomach..
He then sent me an email saying the more I read about what you wrote the more I realize you ask sooooo much from me and you only give 10% of what I give. You just ask too much!
I ignored his email until this morning and then in my hurt and desperation sent a reply saying I didn't know asking for love and respect and fairness is sooo much to ask. And I told him he doesn't want me to love him and the more I try to love him the more he wants to hurt me. He doesn't want this marriage to work and he just wants to win. He is playing games, even when I pour out my heart and try to reach out to him, he finds a way to upset me and I congratulated him on his "win" and reminded him how unchristian this is and that God is my witness and my guardian and my protector.
He will either not reply at all and plot how to take revenge by probably badmouthing me to everyone in his hometown and by letting our debts go into arrears, etc. OR he will send a reply calling my love a fake or none existent and telling me he's done with my ungrateful disrespectful crap!
Why don't I learn from history? Why don't I learn that he is not working from the same belief and logic system as me or most others. He just wants win, hurt, dominate, control and when he can't accomplish this by faking kindness and care then he will do it by destroying, revenge and discarding.
Now I feel sick to my stomach again and feel down and worthless and like a failure again. Doubting myself! He did it again and now he is on with his life celebrating his victory and feeling sorry for himself being a victim of an evil bad wife for so long.
I have been feeling very ill physically the last few weeks, I have had strange symptoms and some match those of an early pregnancy. As I mentioned earlier there is a small chance this could be the case but I hope and pray to God I'm not punished by being pregnant with his child. I told him I feel sick and I feel like I may be pregnant. He called me crazy and changed the subject. Just the thought of having to deal with his abuse for another 18+ years while trying to protect another human being from his poison scares me to death.
S.
Sunday, December 8, 2013
He is interested again...
It is 8 days since I left our home and the city we were living in. I really don't know what is going on. Since last time I blogged I emailed his mom asking for an address because I figured Joe is not going to give me his new address and if I need to send him some documents or something I need an address. His mom never replied to my email but I got a text from Joe asking me why I emailed her?
Anyway, this kind of opened the lines of communication again, I asked to call him because I wanted to discuss his plans for us to pay our debt and how he wants to share the payments and just to get a taste of where he stand in regards to making our separation permanent and legal. In my country there is no "legal separation". As soon as you don't live together anymore you are considered separated and the next available option is applying for divorce.
One reason I haven't pushed for divorce is that I can't afford it. Having no jobs, having bills to pay and not having rich parents to rely on means I have to find a job first, then find a cheap lawyer and then start saving like crazy to help pay our mutual debt. I hate that I'm in this situation. I hate that he makes twice more money than me even if I find a job and I would never be able to compete with him in terms of having a good lawyer and decent quality of life.
So I have to keep things relatively friendly at least until I find some stability back in my home town and at least find a decent job to survive.
In my conversation with him he was not rude or aggressive as usual but he continued to calmly blame everything on me and told me since I'm the one who got angry and left, I am responsible for this mess. I reminded him that I didn't leave because of a sudden burst of anger, and that this is the result of 16 months of not being appreciated, put down and blamed for everything. I told him I will never take 100% blame. I don't know if he got it, and I don't know if he ever will.
I did mention that I wish things were different, that I wish we could be like normal couples, that I have had to always live in a fantasy what it would feel like our relationship was normal (he wasn't a narcissist) and we could just be at peace and a team like other couples. I don't think he gets how important this is or what it means either.
Last couple of days he has been very nice all of a sudden. He is confessing his love to me again and tells me he misses me and hopes that we can be together forever. He has told me he wants to come see me during the Christmas holidays and he will pay my bills?
His new interest and niceness scares me more than anything because there is a huge part inside of me that screams he hasn't changed and he just wants to be the winner and not look bad in front of others. Or maybe he realized I'm not joking regarding this whole I'm not coming back unless HE makes some changes as well and unless I know I won't be miserable again!
I want to tell him before he decides to come see me here that I can't live with him hanging out with those low life friends all the time and doing his legal drugs and deny his addiction. But I know as soon as I say this out loud he will be gone again and I become the enemy who is trying dominate and control him. I will have to say this to him at some point to wake him up from the dream that he can just show up here with some gifts or nice words and I pack up move away with him again. I don't know when I'll tell him but I have to.
I also need to tell him this will never change unless he gets help. I'm afraid to bring these up because I have so many times in the past and he never got it! He just got mad and called me controlling and crazy! Sigh!
I feel like I don't have the energy to fight with him anymore, or even go through our nice times. But at the same time I don't have the energy to go through a bitter divorce where I'll be screwed financially and I will go in a lot of debt.
I spoke with a lawyer (free consultation) and they said regardless of income the debts will be divided 50/50 if they are in both your names. Just thinking about that as well as the insane legal fees I will have to endure on very low income makes me want to take no action. At the same time I know if I move back with him I will be miserable. So I feel stuck!
I'm restoring some energy to have a chat with him sometime next week to let him know I'm not going to go back with him unless he admits all his mistakes and apologize for what he has done so far. And unless he makes obvious changes in his life style so that I don't feel like a toy, pet or an accessory in my own house!
I've been trying hard to keep busy and focus on the present rather than the past. My parents and family have been very supportive and I couldn't have done it without them. I also don't want to disappoint them by going back to the man I described to them as emotionally abusive.
There is also 1% chance I could be pregnant with his child (which I pray to God won't be the case and I will know the answer within a week). That is another reason I've hold off on making super permanent decisions because that could affect the more long term decisions.
For now, for the next 3 weeks until Christmas I can be in peace knowing I'm at a safe place with my family and if he chooses to see me like he says he can come here, get a hotel somewhere and I will remain in the city and with the people who make me feel loved and at peace. I rather be broke, divorced and lonely than be in a relationship with someone who treats me like their property and their pet.
I pray God helps me get passed this nightmare situation and show me the right steps to take.
S.
Anyway, this kind of opened the lines of communication again, I asked to call him because I wanted to discuss his plans for us to pay our debt and how he wants to share the payments and just to get a taste of where he stand in regards to making our separation permanent and legal. In my country there is no "legal separation". As soon as you don't live together anymore you are considered separated and the next available option is applying for divorce.
One reason I haven't pushed for divorce is that I can't afford it. Having no jobs, having bills to pay and not having rich parents to rely on means I have to find a job first, then find a cheap lawyer and then start saving like crazy to help pay our mutual debt. I hate that I'm in this situation. I hate that he makes twice more money than me even if I find a job and I would never be able to compete with him in terms of having a good lawyer and decent quality of life.
So I have to keep things relatively friendly at least until I find some stability back in my home town and at least find a decent job to survive.
In my conversation with him he was not rude or aggressive as usual but he continued to calmly blame everything on me and told me since I'm the one who got angry and left, I am responsible for this mess. I reminded him that I didn't leave because of a sudden burst of anger, and that this is the result of 16 months of not being appreciated, put down and blamed for everything. I told him I will never take 100% blame. I don't know if he got it, and I don't know if he ever will.
I did mention that I wish things were different, that I wish we could be like normal couples, that I have had to always live in a fantasy what it would feel like our relationship was normal (he wasn't a narcissist) and we could just be at peace and a team like other couples. I don't think he gets how important this is or what it means either.
Last couple of days he has been very nice all of a sudden. He is confessing his love to me again and tells me he misses me and hopes that we can be together forever. He has told me he wants to come see me during the Christmas holidays and he will pay my bills?
His new interest and niceness scares me more than anything because there is a huge part inside of me that screams he hasn't changed and he just wants to be the winner and not look bad in front of others. Or maybe he realized I'm not joking regarding this whole I'm not coming back unless HE makes some changes as well and unless I know I won't be miserable again!
I want to tell him before he decides to come see me here that I can't live with him hanging out with those low life friends all the time and doing his legal drugs and deny his addiction. But I know as soon as I say this out loud he will be gone again and I become the enemy who is trying dominate and control him. I will have to say this to him at some point to wake him up from the dream that he can just show up here with some gifts or nice words and I pack up move away with him again. I don't know when I'll tell him but I have to.
I also need to tell him this will never change unless he gets help. I'm afraid to bring these up because I have so many times in the past and he never got it! He just got mad and called me controlling and crazy! Sigh!
I feel like I don't have the energy to fight with him anymore, or even go through our nice times. But at the same time I don't have the energy to go through a bitter divorce where I'll be screwed financially and I will go in a lot of debt.
I spoke with a lawyer (free consultation) and they said regardless of income the debts will be divided 50/50 if they are in both your names. Just thinking about that as well as the insane legal fees I will have to endure on very low income makes me want to take no action. At the same time I know if I move back with him I will be miserable. So I feel stuck!
I'm restoring some energy to have a chat with him sometime next week to let him know I'm not going to go back with him unless he admits all his mistakes and apologize for what he has done so far. And unless he makes obvious changes in his life style so that I don't feel like a toy, pet or an accessory in my own house!
I've been trying hard to keep busy and focus on the present rather than the past. My parents and family have been very supportive and I couldn't have done it without them. I also don't want to disappoint them by going back to the man I described to them as emotionally abusive.
There is also 1% chance I could be pregnant with his child (which I pray to God won't be the case and I will know the answer within a week). That is another reason I've hold off on making super permanent decisions because that could affect the more long term decisions.
For now, for the next 3 weeks until Christmas I can be in peace knowing I'm at a safe place with my family and if he chooses to see me like he says he can come here, get a hotel somewhere and I will remain in the city and with the people who make me feel loved and at peace. I rather be broke, divorced and lonely than be in a relationship with someone who treats me like their property and their pet.
I pray God helps me get passed this nightmare situation and show me the right steps to take.
S.
Thursday, December 5, 2013
Recalling how he made me feel
Over the next few weeks I may post 1, 2 or even 3 blog posts a day. There are a lot of thoughts that come through my head during the day and feelings regarding my marriage that I may not want to forget. My goal is to write down everything, because I know in the upcoming months I will forget certain details and I will need these details for those times that I will regret my decision or wonder was it really that bad?
I still am not a 100% sure that I made the right decision to leave, or at least I'm not sure if I made the decision at the right time. I go from being sure to doubtful and regretful through out the day.
In this blog I wanted to write down some of my main negative feelings during this marriage and what doubts and questions would go through my mind most days. A lot of these things I brought up to him as well, but 99.9% of the time they were dismissed, ignored or responded to by anger.
- I felt like he wanted me to be a pet, not a wife. I don't always remember why he made me feel that way and so often, but I know in many arguments I mentioned that I don't want to be his pet, I don't want to follow him around like a dog and get petted when he feels like it and given a treat if i'm a good girl. To be barking and jumping in joy no matter what he does. I think that was probably the main thing I complained to him in our marriage, that he wants a pet not a wife. Anyone else ever have that feeling?
It's funny in one of our last arguments he told me I want him to be a pet and that he will never be like that. (projection?) I never wanted a pet, I wanted to be equals!
- I felt like his love was not sincere or deep
- I felt like coming down to it (or given an ultimatum), he would choose his friends, video games, legal drugs or any other thing for that matter that he chose to have in his life over me. It was all about control for him so even if something obviously hurt our relationship he would never give it up because then he would "lose" and be "dominated". He was obsessed with domination! If I shared my feelings about something he was doing, no matter how slight or friendly, he would say: I will Never let you dominate me Ever!!! Me: wtf????!!?
- Double standards! He would curse me, degrade me and talk to me in the most condescending manner calling me names and if I complained he was just stating "FACTS".... But if I said the tiniest negative thing or criticism or even just question something he did or said he would RAGE and call me the most disturbing things and pack up and leave to his friends. His insults were always facts and my reaction to his insult was always me being an ungrateful, disrespectful b*tch.
- When it came to physical intimacy he wanted it to be his way or the highway. I never gave in to that because I felt like it was wrong, but he never stopped ridiculing me and insulting me because of it and in the end I think the fact that I never fully gave in to his requests lead him to not be able to fake his 'love' for much longer.
- I always worried why a self professing Christian from a Christian traditional family who goes to church and participates in related study groups would choose friends who are 10 years his junior, drug addicts or ex drug addicts, with no values and into porn and things of that nature. This always bothered me, and the fact that he spent most of his time with them and we never had time to make some new mutual friends together that we can both hang out with. Did he chose them because they would never question his actions and character???
- I always felt like all his nice deeds and actions towards me were just acting. I don't know maybe it's my interpretation only and maybe it's not nice of me to think this way but I always felt like he does those nice things to either get something from me in return or to bring it up later in his rage mode to say see I do everything for you and you do nothing. (even though I left my job, life, city I lived in for half of my life, my family and friends to go 5 hour away to marry him and live with him so he doesn't lose his job or friends and family) I mean only God can judge how much of what he did was genuine but I could never shed that feelings of doubt!
- I never understood how someone can say they love someone the most in the world and tell you that you make them so happy and they pray God helps them to love you more everyday for the rest of your lives, AND THEN 5 seconds later you ask a question that their sensitive ego takes as an attack or share a feeling regarding something they disagree and he would turn into this wrathful angry enemy calling you to war, putting his boxing gloves on (figuratively speaking) and say the most hurtful, cruel things to you. And when you listen to a Narcissist say those words to you, you can feel the hate, coldness, war and lack of compassion. It's quite scary and bone chilling how fast they go from one extreme to the other.
- I hated how he was always in competition with me, I would start talking about a subject just to share my thoughts, and the second I would disagree with something he said he would get into I'm better than you, You suck at this I don't, You don't have the right to even speak of this because I know more and am better, Only speak to me about the subject when you obviously aren't worse than me at it, etc.
I hated it because most of the times it was just something to discuss, like all married couples do, something to plan our future, something to make us get closer, never my intention to compare myself to him but he would always always always turn every conversation either into a war, competition or a challenge.
- He was so unfair because he said I started every argument, but he failed to acknowledge or notice that he would provoke me and push my buttons over and over or do something obviously unpleasant or wrong and then as soon as I reacted he would say as usual you are starting the argument and then from that point on tables were turned and we had forget the subject and just talk about how much of an ungrateful, rebellious wife I am.
- If I brought up to him the fact that he was raging and aggressive towards me and he needs to stop attacking me like that, he would say you think this is angry? you think this is aggressive? *insert proud condescending smirk* you haven't seen aggressive! If I showed you real anger and aggression you would fall down on the ground curled up in a ball like the weak woman that you are! (I have to mention his abuse was never physical)
Sigh, it's very very sad writing all this and having the memories come back but at the same time it's therapeutic because then I know why I would have never been at peace for the rest of my life if I stayed. Or do they get better? Is there hope for this kind of situation?
S.
I still am not a 100% sure that I made the right decision to leave, or at least I'm not sure if I made the decision at the right time. I go from being sure to doubtful and regretful through out the day.
In this blog I wanted to write down some of my main negative feelings during this marriage and what doubts and questions would go through my mind most days. A lot of these things I brought up to him as well, but 99.9% of the time they were dismissed, ignored or responded to by anger.
- I felt like he wanted me to be a pet, not a wife. I don't always remember why he made me feel that way and so often, but I know in many arguments I mentioned that I don't want to be his pet, I don't want to follow him around like a dog and get petted when he feels like it and given a treat if i'm a good girl. To be barking and jumping in joy no matter what he does. I think that was probably the main thing I complained to him in our marriage, that he wants a pet not a wife. Anyone else ever have that feeling?
It's funny in one of our last arguments he told me I want him to be a pet and that he will never be like that. (projection?) I never wanted a pet, I wanted to be equals!
- I felt like his love was not sincere or deep
- I felt like coming down to it (or given an ultimatum), he would choose his friends, video games, legal drugs or any other thing for that matter that he chose to have in his life over me. It was all about control for him so even if something obviously hurt our relationship he would never give it up because then he would "lose" and be "dominated". He was obsessed with domination! If I shared my feelings about something he was doing, no matter how slight or friendly, he would say: I will Never let you dominate me Ever!!! Me: wtf????!!?
- Double standards! He would curse me, degrade me and talk to me in the most condescending manner calling me names and if I complained he was just stating "FACTS".... But if I said the tiniest negative thing or criticism or even just question something he did or said he would RAGE and call me the most disturbing things and pack up and leave to his friends. His insults were always facts and my reaction to his insult was always me being an ungrateful, disrespectful b*tch.
- When it came to physical intimacy he wanted it to be his way or the highway. I never gave in to that because I felt like it was wrong, but he never stopped ridiculing me and insulting me because of it and in the end I think the fact that I never fully gave in to his requests lead him to not be able to fake his 'love' for much longer.
- I always worried why a self professing Christian from a Christian traditional family who goes to church and participates in related study groups would choose friends who are 10 years his junior, drug addicts or ex drug addicts, with no values and into porn and things of that nature. This always bothered me, and the fact that he spent most of his time with them and we never had time to make some new mutual friends together that we can both hang out with. Did he chose them because they would never question his actions and character???
- I always felt like all his nice deeds and actions towards me were just acting. I don't know maybe it's my interpretation only and maybe it's not nice of me to think this way but I always felt like he does those nice things to either get something from me in return or to bring it up later in his rage mode to say see I do everything for you and you do nothing. (even though I left my job, life, city I lived in for half of my life, my family and friends to go 5 hour away to marry him and live with him so he doesn't lose his job or friends and family) I mean only God can judge how much of what he did was genuine but I could never shed that feelings of doubt!
- I never understood how someone can say they love someone the most in the world and tell you that you make them so happy and they pray God helps them to love you more everyday for the rest of your lives, AND THEN 5 seconds later you ask a question that their sensitive ego takes as an attack or share a feeling regarding something they disagree and he would turn into this wrathful angry enemy calling you to war, putting his boxing gloves on (figuratively speaking) and say the most hurtful, cruel things to you. And when you listen to a Narcissist say those words to you, you can feel the hate, coldness, war and lack of compassion. It's quite scary and bone chilling how fast they go from one extreme to the other.
- I hated how he was always in competition with me, I would start talking about a subject just to share my thoughts, and the second I would disagree with something he said he would get into I'm better than you, You suck at this I don't, You don't have the right to even speak of this because I know more and am better, Only speak to me about the subject when you obviously aren't worse than me at it, etc.
I hated it because most of the times it was just something to discuss, like all married couples do, something to plan our future, something to make us get closer, never my intention to compare myself to him but he would always always always turn every conversation either into a war, competition or a challenge.
- He was so unfair because he said I started every argument, but he failed to acknowledge or notice that he would provoke me and push my buttons over and over or do something obviously unpleasant or wrong and then as soon as I reacted he would say as usual you are starting the argument and then from that point on tables were turned and we had forget the subject and just talk about how much of an ungrateful, rebellious wife I am.
- If I brought up to him the fact that he was raging and aggressive towards me and he needs to stop attacking me like that, he would say you think this is angry? you think this is aggressive? *insert proud condescending smirk* you haven't seen aggressive! If I showed you real anger and aggression you would fall down on the ground curled up in a ball like the weak woman that you are! (I have to mention his abuse was never physical)
Sigh, it's very very sad writing all this and having the memories come back but at the same time it's therapeutic because then I know why I would have never been at peace for the rest of my life if I stayed. Or do they get better? Is there hope for this kind of situation?
S.
5 days post separation from a Narcissistic husband
Today is a Thursday and it has been 5 days since I left him. Up until today I was in a half numb half shocked state and quite motivated to get on with my life and find a job quickly. Today has been rough and it's only 11:30 in the morning as I'm writing this.
This morning I got up knowing I have go straight to applying to jobs again since he cut me off financially completely a day after I left. I've been looking through jobs but I find myself I don't have any focus or motivation. I've had this sick nauseous feeling in my stomach and very short of breath. I don't if I'm having a mild panic attack (which has lasted most of this week) or it's just PTSD.
I've spent most of the last few days looking through different blogs, websites, YouTube videos and Facebook pages on Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I find that the only time i'm not panicking is when I'm reading about the disorder or read other victim's experiences. I find that it helps me remember some of our not so pretty and nice times and helps me accept that I made the right choice by leaving. Yet still there are moments that I doubt my decision and I wonder if I screwed up my life by leaving him. Or I think, did I leave too soon? Should I have stayed at least until the 2 years mark?!
More than anything I feel sad at how fast and happily he discarded me. How he has not initiated any contact with me (I did a few times because I suck at no contact) and how he did so by blaming everything on me. I know he has been gaslighting and bashing me to his family and friends since I left. I spoke with his mom a couple of days after I left via email and phone. She was neutral about the whole thing, she listened to me with understanding but I don't think she is aware this whole thing is a game or challenge or a competition to her son. I'm sure the only thing my ex is thinking right now is something along the lines of:
- I'll show you I won't give in and ever contact you again, I'll win this game
- You will be running back to me in no time begging me to take you back
- I'm the winner, you are the loser
- You left me after I treated you like so well and gave you everything, I'm the victim, you are the ungrateful disobedient brat
- Life is so much better and more peaceful since you left, I can now see my friends everyday, play video games all day, enjoy my legal drugs without you nagging me and spend all my money on it
I have no doubt this is exactly what he is thinking and I have no doubt he will not come around, try to contact me, try to get me back, try to work on our marriage and he is just waiting for me to file for divorce.
That's something I never understood, he kept saying I will never divorce you, if it's going to happen it'll be you who will initiate it. It's kind of scary actually, what if I do initiate it, has he planned to torture me and make me suffer while he drags on the process and make me lose a lot of money that I don't have?!
It's so sad separating (or breaking up with) a narcissist. With them it's out of sight, out of mind. They never own up to ANYTHING they did. They never blame themselves even for 5% of what went wrong. They move on to the next Narcissistic Supply before you have even packed your stuff. You have no way of talking to them about what happened or see if you can save your marriage. There is absolutely no closure. You become more of a nothing to them than you ever were. They make you feel more worthless than they ever have. They continue convincing themselves and others that you were the problem, you were the ungrateful, disrespectful, dishonest, manipulating spouse and cut you off in an instant. Poof! Gone! 3 years of your life dedicated to them and it's all gone in an instant. Just the same way all their professions of love would be gone in an instant if they felt you are criticizing or questioning them, and they would turn into a wrathful and mean manipulating cold hearted you know what!
Sigh! Yes it's sad knowing you went from a spouse they confessed to love to nothing in an instant. But it's worse than nothing, you are the enemy, the challenger, the opponent who has called them to war, and you are about to pay for it big time.
Those of you who have been in Narcissistic relationships probably know what I'm talking about. Anyway, I'm going to cut this blog out here but I'm seriously thinking of writing a book about the whole situation. I guess writing is kind of therapeutic.
love
S.
This morning I got up knowing I have go straight to applying to jobs again since he cut me off financially completely a day after I left. I've been looking through jobs but I find myself I don't have any focus or motivation. I've had this sick nauseous feeling in my stomach and very short of breath. I don't if I'm having a mild panic attack (which has lasted most of this week) or it's just PTSD.
I've spent most of the last few days looking through different blogs, websites, YouTube videos and Facebook pages on Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I find that the only time i'm not panicking is when I'm reading about the disorder or read other victim's experiences. I find that it helps me remember some of our not so pretty and nice times and helps me accept that I made the right choice by leaving. Yet still there are moments that I doubt my decision and I wonder if I screwed up my life by leaving him. Or I think, did I leave too soon? Should I have stayed at least until the 2 years mark?!
More than anything I feel sad at how fast and happily he discarded me. How he has not initiated any contact with me (I did a few times because I suck at no contact) and how he did so by blaming everything on me. I know he has been gaslighting and bashing me to his family and friends since I left. I spoke with his mom a couple of days after I left via email and phone. She was neutral about the whole thing, she listened to me with understanding but I don't think she is aware this whole thing is a game or challenge or a competition to her son. I'm sure the only thing my ex is thinking right now is something along the lines of:
- I'll show you I won't give in and ever contact you again, I'll win this game
- You will be running back to me in no time begging me to take you back
- I'm the winner, you are the loser
- You left me after I treated you like so well and gave you everything, I'm the victim, you are the ungrateful disobedient brat
- Life is so much better and more peaceful since you left, I can now see my friends everyday, play video games all day, enjoy my legal drugs without you nagging me and spend all my money on it
I have no doubt this is exactly what he is thinking and I have no doubt he will not come around, try to contact me, try to get me back, try to work on our marriage and he is just waiting for me to file for divorce.
That's something I never understood, he kept saying I will never divorce you, if it's going to happen it'll be you who will initiate it. It's kind of scary actually, what if I do initiate it, has he planned to torture me and make me suffer while he drags on the process and make me lose a lot of money that I don't have?!
It's so sad separating (or breaking up with) a narcissist. With them it's out of sight, out of mind. They never own up to ANYTHING they did. They never blame themselves even for 5% of what went wrong. They move on to the next Narcissistic Supply before you have even packed your stuff. You have no way of talking to them about what happened or see if you can save your marriage. There is absolutely no closure. You become more of a nothing to them than you ever were. They make you feel more worthless than they ever have. They continue convincing themselves and others that you were the problem, you were the ungrateful, disrespectful, dishonest, manipulating spouse and cut you off in an instant. Poof! Gone! 3 years of your life dedicated to them and it's all gone in an instant. Just the same way all their professions of love would be gone in an instant if they felt you are criticizing or questioning them, and they would turn into a wrathful and mean manipulating cold hearted you know what!
Sigh! Yes it's sad knowing you went from a spouse they confessed to love to nothing in an instant. But it's worse than nothing, you are the enemy, the challenger, the opponent who has called them to war, and you are about to pay for it big time.
Those of you who have been in Narcissistic relationships probably know what I'm talking about. Anyway, I'm going to cut this blog out here but I'm seriously thinking of writing a book about the whole situation. I guess writing is kind of therapeutic.
love
S.
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
A few moments that I'll never forget..
Before I get started with details of how things went down hill starting our honeymoon I just wanted to write down some of the specific reasons why I became sure he was Narcissistic (or NPD as I will use in the future) and also why I was never fully happy in the marriage.
- Some of the sentences I'll never forget: Stop being so stupid... Every other guy would have divorced you after one week... Start being normal like every other human in this world... Every other woman in the world would know what to do besides you... Any other guy would have punched you in the face by now... I'm 99% perfect, you are the one destroying this marriage... Stop nagging and complaining... You are worse than a scumbag low life teenager... It's not hard doing what I ask you to do... I will only have children with you if you do exactly what I say for at least 6 months in a row... F**K you B*tch... Your parents are a p*ssy like you... Go back to your mama you spoiled stupid brat... Suck it up princess... I own you... You deserve to be alone and suffer... The fling I cheated on my ex with was better than you....
Besides these he also called me a lot of other names frequently such as: evil, insane, dumb....
He also frequently accused me of making things up, being a liar, being controlling, being lazy, being unchristian, being rude, selfish and ungrateful. (Talk about projection again!)
- He always told me he loves me, sometimes several times a day but I never truly felt love. I always wondered how can someone truly love me who says above mentioned things to me, who can turn against me and into a cold verbally aggressive monster within seconds. Every time I disagreed with him on any subject or dared question one of his actions or a make comment that was not worshipping or admiring him, he would turn into a different person immediately. He would start his verbal abuse and usually either pack up and leave to his friend's place until late hours in the night or the morning or shut off and go sleep ignoring me completely.
- He rarely ever apologized or admitted any mistakes. The few times he did it was after 2 days of the argument dragging and him saying every negative thing he could think of about me. Finally I would beg him lets talk about things and try to resolve the situation and once every few months he would give a fake quick apology followed by wanting to get intimate.
- He had no compassion. Not for me, not for others. He would say the most evil things he could think of to me without blinking for hours. If I tried to play nice and apologize for things he had done, or bring up something positive or say nice things about him while he was insulting me, he would continue attacking me and even increasing the dose of insults. He never felt guilty, he never regretted anything he said and he usually went on with his life having fun with his friends while I was crying alone at home.
- He was always competing with me, and not in a good way. He made sure in every conversation he incorporate the fact that he knew more on the subject, or was better at something. He also had the same attitude towards others. Always knew more than them. Everyone was too stupid. Everyone was too weak.
- He was very shallow. Not only in how he saw human beings but also in the depth of his emotions. I always longed to have a deep meaningful relationship and with him all I ever got was talking about what to do and what to eat and what to watch. He never shared anything too personal, at least nothing that related to the present time. He was never vulnerable. He never let the mask down. In fact as of today after 'knowing' him for 3 years I still don't know much about the real him besides the narcissist on the outside. Maybe there isn't anything else on the inside, maybe this is it!
- His friends were mostly 10 years younger than him and not into very nice, mature or positive things. Some of them ex drug addicts. people I always felt anxious watching my Christian husband hanging out with 1-2 times a week. I'll bring up the word Christian once in a while in this blog because that is my faith and that is what his faith is as well (or at least his interpretation of it)
- A month into our marriage I discovered a series of long facebook messages (exchanged over the course of previous year that we were engaged) with a girl he use to know at one of his hobby trips (we'll leave it as that). I don't know what actually went on between them but it was some kind of acting re-enactment thing and they were playing the role of husband and wife. I have to say a lot of the texts exchanged were quite flirtatious. After I bring it up he got mad as usual at first, then said she was just a friend and then said he will never talk to her again and gave me his facebook password to prove it. I'm pretty sure he kept in touch with her while he was at work but I had no proof of anything so I let that one go.
I guess this is long enough for now... Tomorrow I will write in more detail about our good vs. bad times. The sad part is I still feel bad writing all this, even though he never cared about my feelings when he hurt me, I still care for him and miss the 'good' times, his softer side and in a way feel sorry for him.
S.
- Some of the sentences I'll never forget: Stop being so stupid... Every other guy would have divorced you after one week... Start being normal like every other human in this world... Every other woman in the world would know what to do besides you... Any other guy would have punched you in the face by now... I'm 99% perfect, you are the one destroying this marriage... Stop nagging and complaining... You are worse than a scumbag low life teenager... It's not hard doing what I ask you to do... I will only have children with you if you do exactly what I say for at least 6 months in a row... F**K you B*tch... Your parents are a p*ssy like you... Go back to your mama you spoiled stupid brat... Suck it up princess... I own you... You deserve to be alone and suffer... The fling I cheated on my ex with was better than you....
Besides these he also called me a lot of other names frequently such as: evil, insane, dumb....
He also frequently accused me of making things up, being a liar, being controlling, being lazy, being unchristian, being rude, selfish and ungrateful. (Talk about projection again!)
- He always told me he loves me, sometimes several times a day but I never truly felt love. I always wondered how can someone truly love me who says above mentioned things to me, who can turn against me and into a cold verbally aggressive monster within seconds. Every time I disagreed with him on any subject or dared question one of his actions or a make comment that was not worshipping or admiring him, he would turn into a different person immediately. He would start his verbal abuse and usually either pack up and leave to his friend's place until late hours in the night or the morning or shut off and go sleep ignoring me completely.
- He rarely ever apologized or admitted any mistakes. The few times he did it was after 2 days of the argument dragging and him saying every negative thing he could think of about me. Finally I would beg him lets talk about things and try to resolve the situation and once every few months he would give a fake quick apology followed by wanting to get intimate.
- He had no compassion. Not for me, not for others. He would say the most evil things he could think of to me without blinking for hours. If I tried to play nice and apologize for things he had done, or bring up something positive or say nice things about him while he was insulting me, he would continue attacking me and even increasing the dose of insults. He never felt guilty, he never regretted anything he said and he usually went on with his life having fun with his friends while I was crying alone at home.
- He was always competing with me, and not in a good way. He made sure in every conversation he incorporate the fact that he knew more on the subject, or was better at something. He also had the same attitude towards others. Always knew more than them. Everyone was too stupid. Everyone was too weak.
- He was very shallow. Not only in how he saw human beings but also in the depth of his emotions. I always longed to have a deep meaningful relationship and with him all I ever got was talking about what to do and what to eat and what to watch. He never shared anything too personal, at least nothing that related to the present time. He was never vulnerable. He never let the mask down. In fact as of today after 'knowing' him for 3 years I still don't know much about the real him besides the narcissist on the outside. Maybe there isn't anything else on the inside, maybe this is it!
- His friends were mostly 10 years younger than him and not into very nice, mature or positive things. Some of them ex drug addicts. people I always felt anxious watching my Christian husband hanging out with 1-2 times a week. I'll bring up the word Christian once in a while in this blog because that is my faith and that is what his faith is as well (or at least his interpretation of it)
- A month into our marriage I discovered a series of long facebook messages (exchanged over the course of previous year that we were engaged) with a girl he use to know at one of his hobby trips (we'll leave it as that). I don't know what actually went on between them but it was some kind of acting re-enactment thing and they were playing the role of husband and wife. I have to say a lot of the texts exchanged were quite flirtatious. After I bring it up he got mad as usual at first, then said she was just a friend and then said he will never talk to her again and gave me his facebook password to prove it. I'm pretty sure he kept in touch with her while he was at work but I had no proof of anything so I let that one go.
I guess this is long enough for now... Tomorrow I will write in more detail about our good vs. bad times. The sad part is I still feel bad writing all this, even though he never cared about my feelings when he hurt me, I still care for him and miss the 'good' times, his softer side and in a way feel sorry for him.
S.
Introduction..
Answer to a few questions:
- Why am I starting this blog?
I've been in what I would call an emotionally abusive marriage for 15 months now, few days ago I decided to pack up my stuff and leave. Since then I have had many thoughts wondering if I made the right decision or not. I assume I will question this choice for weeks and months if not years to come.
This blog will be a summery of what happened during these 15 months as well as during our separation, something for me to look back to and remember how I was feeling.
- What kind of emotional abuse did I suffer?
My husband (we will call him Joe) was quite controlling in certain aspects of our life. He also used manipulations and threats once in a while. Joe was quite degrading and he blamed everything that ever went wrong on me. If he did something wrong, he would say you made me do it, or you did it first, etc. I was walking on egg shells all the time because he had a huge yet sensitive ego and could not handle slightest criticism or disagreements. He didn't fight fair and he was always competing with me in everything and trying to prove that he was better than me in everything. He would also switch from a sweet loving guy to an angry cold monster within seconds if I said the wrong thing.
- What do I think caused his actions?
Although I would never go around saying I'm perfect and I know I have made mistakes in the marriage as well, I know that his abusive ways started way before he met me and was present in his previous marriage. He had admitted to me and others that he didn't treat his ex wife very well. I started doing some research early on in our marriage to figure out why he was acting this way. In my search I came across the word Narcissist. My jaw dropped open because Joe had all the characteristics described regarding this personality disorder. It was quite a shock. Specially after finding out people like him have a very low rate of getting better or stopping their patterns. I have no doubt now that at least to a certain degree he has Narcisstic personality disorder or NPD. There isn't one material I've read on the subject that hasn't described him completely.
- Were things always bad in my relationship?
Things were better when we were dating and engaged however I ignored quite a lot of red flags during our courtship. Some due to my ignorance, some due to seeing what I wanted to see and some because he hide a lot of it quite well and put on a great persona.
Things started going downhill fast starting the first day of our honeymoon! To the point that I immediately felt like running away and wondered if I've made a huge mistake! from then on it was one or two weeks things were OK and then few days of fighting. But it wasn't just any type of fighting, and I will get to that in a later post.
- Why am I making this blog public?
I'm doing this so that if anyone currently in a similar situation come across this blog maybe they will learn a thing or two from my experience. Other than the primary purpose is to keep track of everything that happened, in case I start missing him and wonder why I ever left.
- Do I think I'll ever go back to him?
I don't know. I can't answer that because anything is possible but the possibility seems slim at this time. The day I was packing my stuff to leave he contacted our landlord and canceled all the checks on the house and informed he is moving into a room and is not going to keep this expensive house since I won't be around. The next day he closed all our joint accounts and after calling me manipulative, abusive and a liar, he stopped responding to my texts. Talk about projection!
I hope that these writings help someone who is unsure about their relationship or comfort those who are in the same position knowing we are not alone.
S.
- Why am I starting this blog?
I've been in what I would call an emotionally abusive marriage for 15 months now, few days ago I decided to pack up my stuff and leave. Since then I have had many thoughts wondering if I made the right decision or not. I assume I will question this choice for weeks and months if not years to come.
This blog will be a summery of what happened during these 15 months as well as during our separation, something for me to look back to and remember how I was feeling.
- What kind of emotional abuse did I suffer?
My husband (we will call him Joe) was quite controlling in certain aspects of our life. He also used manipulations and threats once in a while. Joe was quite degrading and he blamed everything that ever went wrong on me. If he did something wrong, he would say you made me do it, or you did it first, etc. I was walking on egg shells all the time because he had a huge yet sensitive ego and could not handle slightest criticism or disagreements. He didn't fight fair and he was always competing with me in everything and trying to prove that he was better than me in everything. He would also switch from a sweet loving guy to an angry cold monster within seconds if I said the wrong thing.
- What do I think caused his actions?
Although I would never go around saying I'm perfect and I know I have made mistakes in the marriage as well, I know that his abusive ways started way before he met me and was present in his previous marriage. He had admitted to me and others that he didn't treat his ex wife very well. I started doing some research early on in our marriage to figure out why he was acting this way. In my search I came across the word Narcissist. My jaw dropped open because Joe had all the characteristics described regarding this personality disorder. It was quite a shock. Specially after finding out people like him have a very low rate of getting better or stopping their patterns. I have no doubt now that at least to a certain degree he has Narcisstic personality disorder or NPD. There isn't one material I've read on the subject that hasn't described him completely.
- Were things always bad in my relationship?
Things were better when we were dating and engaged however I ignored quite a lot of red flags during our courtship. Some due to my ignorance, some due to seeing what I wanted to see and some because he hide a lot of it quite well and put on a great persona.
Things started going downhill fast starting the first day of our honeymoon! To the point that I immediately felt like running away and wondered if I've made a huge mistake! from then on it was one or two weeks things were OK and then few days of fighting. But it wasn't just any type of fighting, and I will get to that in a later post.
- Why am I making this blog public?
I'm doing this so that if anyone currently in a similar situation come across this blog maybe they will learn a thing or two from my experience. Other than the primary purpose is to keep track of everything that happened, in case I start missing him and wonder why I ever left.
- Do I think I'll ever go back to him?
I don't know. I can't answer that because anything is possible but the possibility seems slim at this time. The day I was packing my stuff to leave he contacted our landlord and canceled all the checks on the house and informed he is moving into a room and is not going to keep this expensive house since I won't be around. The next day he closed all our joint accounts and after calling me manipulative, abusive and a liar, he stopped responding to my texts. Talk about projection!
I hope that these writings help someone who is unsure about their relationship or comfort those who are in the same position knowing we are not alone.
S.
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