Before I get started with details of how things went down hill starting our honeymoon I just wanted to write down some of the specific reasons why I became sure he was Narcissistic (or NPD as I will use in the future) and also why I was never fully happy in the marriage.
- Some of the sentences I'll never forget: Stop being so stupid... Every other guy would have divorced you after one week... Start being normal like every other human in this world... Every other woman in the world would know what to do besides you... Any other guy would have punched you in the face by now... I'm 99% perfect, you are the one destroying this marriage... Stop nagging and complaining... You are worse than a scumbag low life teenager... It's not hard doing what I ask you to do... I will only have children with you if you do exactly what I say for at least 6 months in a row... F**K you B*tch... Your parents are a p*ssy like you... Go back to your mama you spoiled stupid brat... Suck it up princess... I own you... You deserve to be alone and suffer... The fling I cheated on my ex with was better than you....
Besides these he also called me a lot of other names frequently such as: evil, insane, dumb....
He also frequently accused me of making things up, being a liar, being controlling, being lazy, being unchristian, being rude, selfish and ungrateful. (Talk about projection again!)
- He always told me he loves me, sometimes several times a day but I never truly felt love. I always wondered how can someone truly love me who says above mentioned things to me, who can turn against me and into a cold verbally aggressive monster within seconds. Every time I disagreed with him on any subject or dared question one of his actions or a make comment that was not worshipping or admiring him, he would turn into a different person immediately. He would start his verbal abuse and usually either pack up and leave to his friend's place until late hours in the night or the morning or shut off and go sleep ignoring me completely.
- He rarely ever apologized or admitted any mistakes. The few times he did it was after 2 days of the argument dragging and him saying every negative thing he could think of about me. Finally I would beg him lets talk about things and try to resolve the situation and once every few months he would give a fake quick apology followed by wanting to get intimate.
- He had no compassion. Not for me, not for others. He would say the most evil things he could think of to me without blinking for hours. If I tried to play nice and apologize for things he had done, or bring up something positive or say nice things about him while he was insulting me, he would continue attacking me and even increasing the dose of insults. He never felt guilty, he never regretted anything he said and he usually went on with his life having fun with his friends while I was crying alone at home.
- He was always competing with me, and not in a good way. He made sure in every conversation he incorporate the fact that he knew more on the subject, or was better at something. He also had the same attitude towards others. Always knew more than them. Everyone was too stupid. Everyone was too weak.
- He was very shallow. Not only in how he saw human beings but also in the depth of his emotions. I always longed to have a deep meaningful relationship and with him all I ever got was talking about what to do and what to eat and what to watch. He never shared anything too personal, at least nothing that related to the present time. He was never vulnerable. He never let the mask down. In fact as of today after 'knowing' him for 3 years I still don't know much about the real him besides the narcissist on the outside. Maybe there isn't anything else on the inside, maybe this is it!
- His friends were mostly 10 years younger than him and not into very nice, mature or positive things. Some of them ex drug addicts. people I always felt anxious watching my Christian husband hanging out with 1-2 times a week. I'll bring up the word Christian once in a while in this blog because that is my faith and that is what his faith is as well (or at least his interpretation of it)
- A month into our marriage I discovered a series of long facebook messages (exchanged over the course of previous year that we were engaged) with a girl he use to know at one of his hobby trips (we'll leave it as that). I don't know what actually went on between them but it was some kind of acting re-enactment thing and they were playing the role of husband and wife. I have to say a lot of the texts exchanged were quite flirtatious. After I bring it up he got mad as usual at first, then said she was just a friend and then said he will never talk to her again and gave me his facebook password to prove it. I'm pretty sure he kept in touch with her while he was at work but I had no proof of anything so I let that one go.
I guess this is long enough for now... Tomorrow I will write in more detail about our good vs. bad times. The sad part is I still feel bad writing all this, even though he never cared about my feelings when he hurt me, I still care for him and miss the 'good' times, his softer side and in a way feel sorry for him.
S.
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