Introduction..

Answer to a few questions:

- Why am I starting this blog?
I've been in what I would call an emotionally abusive marriage for 15 months now, few days ago I decided to pack up my stuff and leave. Since then I have had many thoughts wondering if I made the right decision or not. I assume I will question this choice for weeks and months if not years to come.
This blog will be a summery of what happened during these 15 months as well as during our separation, something for me to look back to and remember how I was feeling.

- What kind of emotional abuse did I suffer?
My husband (we will call him Joe) was quite controlling in certain aspects of our life. He also used manipulations and threats once in a while. Joe was quite degrading and he blamed everything that ever went wrong on me. If he did something wrong, he would say you made me do it, or you did it first, etc. I was walking on egg shells all the time because he had a huge yet sensitive ego and could not handle slightest criticism or disagreements. He didn't fight fair and he was always competing with me in everything and trying to prove that he was better than me in everything. He would also switch from a sweet loving guy to an angry cold monster within seconds if I said the wrong thing.

- What do I think caused his actions?
Although I would never go around saying I'm perfect and I know I have made mistakes in the marriage as well, I know that his abusive ways started way before he met me and was present in his previous marriage. He had admitted to me and others that he didn't treat his ex wife very well. I started doing some research early on in our marriage to figure out why he was acting this way. In my search I came across the word Narcissist. My jaw dropped open because Joe had all the characteristics described regarding this personality disorder. It was quite a shock. Specially after finding out people like him have a very low rate of getting better or stopping their patterns. I have no doubt now that at least to a certain degree he has Narcisstic personality disorder or NPD. There isn't one material I've read on the subject that hasn't described him completely.

- Were things always bad in my relationship?
Things were better when we were dating and engaged however I ignored quite a lot of red flags during our courtship. Some due to my ignorance, some due to seeing what I wanted to see and some because he hide a lot of it quite well and put on a great persona.
Things started going downhill fast starting the first day of our honeymoon! To the point that I immediately felt like running away and wondered if I've made a huge mistake! from then on it was one or two weeks things were OK and then few days of fighting. But it wasn't just any type of fighting, and I will get to that in a later post.

- Why am I making this blog public?
I'm doing this so that if anyone currently in a similar situation come across this blog maybe they will learn a thing or two from my experience. Other than the primary purpose is to keep track of everything that happened, in case I start missing him and wonder why I ever left.

- Do I think I'll ever go back to him?
I don't know. I can't answer that because anything is possible but the possibility seems slim at this time. The day I was packing my stuff to leave he contacted our landlord and canceled all the checks on the house and informed he is moving into a room and is not going to keep this expensive house since I won't be around. The next day he closed all our joint accounts and after calling me manipulative, abusive and a liar, he stopped responding to my texts. Talk about projection!

I hope that these writings help someone who is unsure about their relationship or comfort those who are in the same position knowing we are not alone.

S.