He is interested again...

It is 8 days since I left our home and the city we were living in. I really don't know what is going on. Since last time I blogged I emailed his mom asking for an address because I figured Joe is not going to give me his new address and if I need to send him some documents or something I need an address. His mom never replied to my email but I got a text from Joe asking me why I emailed her?
Anyway, this kind of opened the lines of communication again, I asked to call him because I wanted to discuss his plans for us to pay our debt and how he wants to share the payments and just to get a taste of where he stand in regards to making our separation permanent and legal. In my country there is no "legal separation". As soon as you don't live together anymore you are considered separated and the next available option is applying for divorce.

One reason I haven't pushed for divorce is that I can't afford it. Having no jobs, having bills to pay and not having rich parents to rely on means I have to find a job first, then find a cheap lawyer and then start saving like crazy to help pay our mutual debt. I hate that I'm in this situation. I hate that he makes twice more money than me even if I find a job and I would never be able to compete with him in terms of having a good lawyer and decent quality of life.
So I have to keep things relatively friendly at least until I find some stability back in my home town and at least find a decent job to survive.
In my conversation with him he was not rude or aggressive as usual but he continued to calmly blame everything on me and told me since I'm the one who got angry and left, I am responsible for this mess. I reminded him that I didn't leave because of a sudden burst of anger, and that this is the result of 16 months of not being appreciated, put down and blamed for everything. I told him I will never take 100% blame. I don't know if he got it, and I don't know if he ever will.

I did mention that I wish things were different, that I wish we could be like normal couples, that I have had to always live in a fantasy what it would feel like our relationship was normal (he wasn't a narcissist) and we could just be at peace and a team like other couples. I don't think he gets how important this is or what it means either.
Last couple of days he has been very nice all of a sudden. He is confessing his love to me again and tells me he misses me and hopes that we can be together forever. He has told me he wants to come see me during the Christmas holidays and he will pay my bills?

His new interest and niceness scares me more than anything because there is a huge part inside of me that screams he hasn't changed and he just wants to be the winner and not look bad in front of others. Or maybe he realized I'm not joking regarding this whole I'm not coming back unless HE makes some changes as well and unless I know I won't be miserable again!

I want to tell him before he decides to come see me here that I can't live with him hanging out with those low life friends all the time and doing his legal drugs and deny his addiction. But I know as soon as I say this out loud he will be gone again and I become the enemy who is trying dominate and control him. I will have to say this to him at some point to wake him up from the dream that he can just show up here with some gifts or nice words and I pack up move away with him again. I don't know when I'll tell him but I have to.
I also need to tell him this will never change unless he gets help. I'm afraid to bring these up because I have so many times in the past and he never got it! He just got mad and called me controlling and crazy! Sigh!

I feel like I don't have the energy to fight with him anymore, or even go through our nice times. But at the same time I don't have the energy to go through a bitter divorce where I'll be screwed financially and I will go in a lot of debt.
I spoke with a lawyer (free consultation) and they said regardless of income the debts will be divided 50/50 if they are in both your names. Just thinking about that as well as the insane legal fees I will have to endure on very low income makes me want to take no action. At the same time I know if I move back with him I will be miserable. So I feel stuck!
I'm restoring some energy to have a chat with him sometime next week to let him know I'm not going to go back with him unless he admits all his mistakes and apologize for what he has done so far. And unless he makes obvious changes in his life style so that I don't feel like a toy, pet or an accessory in my own house!

I've been trying hard to keep busy and focus on the present rather than the past. My parents and family have been very supportive and I couldn't have done it without them. I also don't want to disappoint them by going back to the man I described to them as emotionally abusive.

There is also 1% chance I could be pregnant with his child (which I pray to God won't be the case and I will know the answer within a week). That is another reason I've hold off on making super permanent decisions because that could affect the more long term decisions.

For now, for the next 3 weeks until Christmas I can be in peace knowing I'm at a safe place with my family and if he chooses to see me like he says he can come here, get a hotel somewhere and I will remain in the city and with the people who make me feel loved and at peace. I rather be broke, divorced and lonely than be in a relationship with someone who treats me like their property and their pet.

I pray God helps me get passed this nightmare situation and show me the right steps to take.

S.