Today is a Thursday and it has been 5 days since I left him. Up until today I was in a half numb half shocked state and quite motivated to get on with my life and find a job quickly. Today has been rough and it's only 11:30 in the morning as I'm writing this.
This morning I got up knowing I have go straight to applying to jobs again since he cut me off financially completely a day after I left. I've been looking through jobs but I find myself I don't have any focus or motivation. I've had this sick nauseous feeling in my stomach and very short of breath. I don't if I'm having a mild panic attack (which has lasted most of this week) or it's just PTSD.
I've spent most of the last few days looking through different blogs, websites, YouTube videos and Facebook pages on Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I find that the only time i'm not panicking is when I'm reading about the disorder or read other victim's experiences. I find that it helps me remember some of our not so pretty and nice times and helps me accept that I made the right choice by leaving. Yet still there are moments that I doubt my decision and I wonder if I screwed up my life by leaving him. Or I think, did I leave too soon? Should I have stayed at least until the 2 years mark?!
More than anything I feel sad at how fast and happily he discarded me. How he has not initiated any contact with me (I did a few times because I suck at no contact) and how he did so by blaming everything on me. I know he has been gaslighting and bashing me to his family and friends since I left. I spoke with his mom a couple of days after I left via email and phone. She was neutral about the whole thing, she listened to me with understanding but I don't think she is aware this whole thing is a game or challenge or a competition to her son. I'm sure the only thing my ex is thinking right now is something along the lines of:
- I'll show you I won't give in and ever contact you again, I'll win this game
- You will be running back to me in no time begging me to take you back
- I'm the winner, you are the loser
- You left me after I treated you like so well and gave you everything, I'm the victim, you are the ungrateful disobedient brat
- Life is so much better and more peaceful since you left, I can now see my friends everyday, play video games all day, enjoy my legal drugs without you nagging me and spend all my money on it
I have no doubt this is exactly what he is thinking and I have no doubt he will not come around, try to contact me, try to get me back, try to work on our marriage and he is just waiting for me to file for divorce.
That's something I never understood, he kept saying I will never divorce you, if it's going to happen it'll be you who will initiate it. It's kind of scary actually, what if I do initiate it, has he planned to torture me and make me suffer while he drags on the process and make me lose a lot of money that I don't have?!
It's so sad separating (or breaking up with) a narcissist. With them it's out of sight, out of mind. They never own up to ANYTHING they did. They never blame themselves even for 5% of what went wrong. They move on to the next Narcissistic Supply before you have even packed your stuff. You have no way of talking to them about what happened or see if you can save your marriage. There is absolutely no closure. You become more of a nothing to them than you ever were. They make you feel more worthless than they ever have. They continue convincing themselves and others that you were the problem, you were the ungrateful, disrespectful, dishonest, manipulating spouse and cut you off in an instant. Poof! Gone! 3 years of your life dedicated to them and it's all gone in an instant. Just the same way all their professions of love would be gone in an instant if they felt you are criticizing or questioning them, and they would turn into a wrathful and mean manipulating cold hearted you know what!
Sigh! Yes it's sad knowing you went from a spouse they confessed to love to nothing in an instant. But it's worse than nothing, you are the enemy, the challenger, the opponent who has called them to war, and you are about to pay for it big time.
Those of you who have been in Narcissistic relationships probably know what I'm talking about. Anyway, I'm going to cut this blog out here but I'm seriously thinking of writing a book about the whole situation. I guess writing is kind of therapeutic.
love
S.
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