When are you fully recovered from a Narcissist?

Two days ago I started yet another attempt at no contact with my Narcissist husband. I thought again we were working on things but then he kept telling me we'll talk on the phone on a certain day and when the day would come he'd "forget to put his alarm" or would plan something with others and never even acknowledge our plans to speak. Finally I had had enough and I brought it up to him. True to his narcissistic character he started insulting me and calling me a useless drama queen for saying he needs to at least acknowledge or apologize for keep canceling the plans. How did I dare question his highness!
Just writing about it makes me want to throw up really. I'm so sick of him and so over him. The only problem is I'm still married to him and can't afford starting divorce proceedings as I can't pay for lawyer or our mutual debts until I have a job. However I can not wait till the day that my marriage to him is over, how freeing and amazing that would feel. Right now he is like a cancer in my body and the day i'm "cancer" free is going to be a joyful day, even if I wasted 3-4 years of my precious life on him.

In his little irrational rage over the fact that I dared expecting him to show up on our "talk" session appointments, he is probably plotting on how to RUIN me and make me pay for my big crime. Gahhh him and his messed up mind make me so mad. I try to not think about him most of the day otherwise I will waste more of my life in anger and hate. I try to get on with my life and hope the "cancer" will be taken care of somehow when the time comes. For now I need to focus on me and my life.

I will end my little rant about him early this time because I'm afraid some not very nice words will come out but I will end it with a song with lyrics that is like taking words out of my mouth.

"It's Not Me, It's You"

[V1]
Let's get the story straight
You were a poison
You flooded through my veins
You left me broken
You tried to make me think
That the blame was all on me
With the pain you put me through
And now I know that it's not me it's you

[Chorus]
It's not me it's you
Always has been you
All the lies and stupid things you say and do
It's you
It's not me it's you
All the lies and pain you put me through
I know that it's not me it's you
You
You
It's not me it's you, you

[V2]
So here we go again
The same fight we're always in
I don't care so why pretend
Wake me when your lecture ends
You tried to make me small
Make me fall and it's all your fault
With the pain you put me through
And now I know that it's not me it's you

[Bridge]
Let's get the story straight
You were a poison
Flooding through my veins
Driving me insane
And now you're gone away
I'm no longer choking
From the pain you put me through
And now I know that it's not me it's you

Life lessons...

It's been a few months since I last posted here. Not a lot has changed really, except I have become more and more humbled everyday by the hardships that I'm enduring and by knowledge of hardships still ahead of me.
We had a few attempts (initiated by me) to resolve our issues and work on our relationship which failed because he thought it was pointless and he is better than that. Also he is not at fault AT ALL for anything that happened so why even bother trying to fix anything. He basically told me everything was your fault, I won't ever offer you more than what I did, take it or leave it. Yet he still claims to "love" me and that he'll wear his wedding ring until the day I divorce him.
He watches as I struggle financially, not being able to get a new job and not having the option of employment insurance because I use it all during our marriage to help our lives. He knows I don't even have money to put gas in my car to go to interviews yet he tells me he loves me, prays for me, has my picture as his phone background and has hope we'll be together again one day. Yet, he doesn't make the smallest steps to mend the relationship or show his love in action. Just saves up and hides his thousands of dollars he makes every month and spends it on partying with his friends and ordering pounds and pounds of "legal" drugs and alcohol.
This is the definition of love when you are with a narcissist.

But now on to the positives.....
A few things I learned after going through this marriage from hell.
1) My compassion for those who are or have been in abusive relationships is far more real and deep now. My goal is to one day (when I recover and heal from this mess) to help those in a similar situation in anyway I can.
2) My compassion for those who are of poor means or struggle with finding a job or paying their bills every month has grown tremendously as well. I have never before in my life been in a situation where I had to rely 100% on others to provide for me and it's been a humbling and tough experience.
3) I learned a great lesson in setting boundaries and trusting my instincts and gut feelings about people. I don't know if this will be my last lesson but I'm a lot more careful about who I allow in my life.
4) My whole view of what is most important in life is now very different. After the huge support I received from my family during this rough time, I realized that is one of the greatest blessings in life and I hope to never take it for granted.

Of course there are a lot of things I still need to work on... forgiveness... trust... self esteem... and other things he destroyed to a great degree in our marriage. The sad part is I still care about him and want to stay in touch after all he's done and I still blame myself sometimes for all that went wrong. But immediately after I remind myself how I felt in that marriage and how normal loving caring human beings do not treat another person like he treated me. There is no excuse for that!

I spend my days now switching between hope for the future and being excited about the new possibilities and sadness and hopelessness, because of the failed marriage and wasting years of my life and having to start from zero again! There is a long path of healing in front of me....

Merry Christmas.... lonely Christmas...

I wanted to wish all of you who celebrate Christmas a very blessed evening.. I hope that your Christmas is less painful and less lonely than mine..

I let my Narcissist to hurt me again, tonight, on Christmas eve.. He had told me that he wants to come see me for Christmas, he had booked his hotel since last week and he was going to bring couple of boxes of my stuff that I had left there. He even told me he bought me a gift.. He was being extra nice the last few days.. Telling me how much he loves me and misses me.. Usually when he did this, it only meant one thing.. he wants SEX! It was always like this, whenever he was being extra nice and did things for me and was extra thoughtful it was only because he wanted to get intimate.. Which is not a huge problem when we were together and at least living somewhat like married couples.. Even though I always felt like why can't he just show care and kindness towards me out of love, at least once in a while.. why is it always because of physical gratification?

But now, after all the hurt, heart break and upset, he wants me to just forget about everything and just jump into bed with him when he visits for 2 days? Was it wrong of me to tell him to not have any expectations and lets take it slow and go one step at a time? Was it wrong of me to tell him lets focus this visit on mending some of the hurtful things said and plan a better future? I reminded him that for the last month he had trash talked me to everyone he knows, and insulted me whatever chance he gets and we are separated and have a lot of issues to work on... He Didn't Want To Hear this!!!!!
He reminded me that everything is my fault, that I obviously don't want to mend the relationship since I don't want to have sex. He told me he didn't want to talk about relationship stuff this visit and just wanted to have fun and get close and intimate!!! Was it wrong of me to think this is messed up? That he wants to ignore all that happens, continues to blame me and calls me rigid and afraid because I wanted to at least talk about a few things before jumping into bed??

He did it again, and this time on Christmas eve, he made me feel like a piece of worthless sh*t. He told me this marriage is obviously hopeless since I refuse to mend things and don't want to show him love. Only because I said don't expect to get intimate right away????? He told me I hate him and I'm weird for not wanting it. Really? So I'm messed up for wanting to at least feel a tiny amount of respect or appreciation or love before jumping into bed with someone who blames everything on me??
Someone who tells me he doesn't want to talk at all about what's happened because I turn it into arguement and he just wants to have fun... this person says I don't want to mend the relationship? Yes, because having sex with the person who has hurt you and cut you off mends all the heartbreak and hurt and damage caused for over a year.... :-(

He then told me he is not coming anymore and coldly said goodnight and hung up on me!
I was so angry!! SO angry.... How stupid am I to let him so deeply upset me again! He will never stop.. he will continue to make me feel like crap, blame me, kill my spirit, blame me some more, call me names, call me selfish for not wanting to jump in bed for someone who disrespects me so badly... who has trash talked me so much to his family that his mom won't even talk to me anymore...
He is a freaking good actor... a good liar... a good manipulator... there is nothing in his heart besides manipulating others to get what he wants... He acts nice and loving to get sex... He doesn't give a f%$k about this marriage or how I feel... I'm just a piece of meat to him that is not worth staying in contact with unless I satisfy the only thing he wants... sex!
Anyway, what a cold, sad, lonely Christmas... There is nothing in this world I want more right now to be free of him... to not be married to him anymore... to have no attachment whatsoever... he is poison to my life and I don't know why I keep going back for more! He almost convinced me to feel bad for leaving and want to make efforts to put things right... I don't know if I can ever forgive him... I pray God will help me separate from him as fast as painlessly as possible... although I know it's unlikely.. Please keep me in your prayers..

Much love,
S.

What does the bible say about narcissistic abusive men/women?

2 Timothy 3:1-9

New International Version (NIV)

3 But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. 2 People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud,abusive, disobedient to their parents,ungrateful, unholy, 3 without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, 4 treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God— 5 having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people.

6 They are the kind who worm their way into homes and gain control over gullible women, who are loaded down with sins and are swayed by all kinds of evil desires, 7 always learning but never able to come to a knowledge of the truth.8 Just as Jannes and Jambres opposed Moses,so also these teachers oppose the truth. They are men of depraved minds, who, as far as the faith is concerned, are rejected. 9 But they will not get very far because, as in the case of those men, their folly will be clear to everyone.

Sent it to my narcissist but I think he didn't get it!

He hooked me again, then discarded me!

Wow, I let him do it to me again. He hooked me by being nice and understanding for a few days. Telling me how much he loves me and misses me. Tell me he wants to come visit me for the holidays and just spend it doing fun things that I like. I told him that's great but we still would need to talk about the real issues our marriage.
So he sends me an email that says here are 5 things I need in marriage to be happy. To summarize it was: 1) more sex 2) peace 3) Me not taking what he says out of context or exaggerating it 4) Let him be himself and tell me everything 5) Let him make the decisions
I felt it's a harmless enough list and thought maybe he now wants to starts a fair conversation about each of our needs and how we can make this work. So in response I sent him short list of things I need. In summery it was this: 1) Love me unconditionally and appreciate me and let me do the same back to you 2) Be open and honest with me, drop the mask, drop the image and be the real you 3) Don't twist everything I say to turn it into something evil and assume I have bad intentions

So we have a phone call later in the evening and his response to my email was, I don't believe what you say S. I don't think you represent yourself correctly. You are not this loving angel that you try to portray. If you were this person you would have shown it during our time together so I don't believe you are this person.

I was so hurt so I tried to explain that how I was in our marriage (unhappy, unsatisfied, hurt) was because of all the negativity (and his abuse) that I had to deal with since day 1 of our honeymoon. That I always wanted us to be happy and had so much love to give. That I want us to be like this from now on even if we had a crappy year.

He then proceeded to blame me again for everything that went wrong in our marriage, painted himself as an angel and me as an angry ungrateful wife. When I tried to defend myself he hung up the phone on me and sent me a text saying "I don't have to deal with your crap, goodnight".
I was shaking.. I was sick to my stomach..

He then sent me an email saying the more I read about what you wrote the more I realize you ask sooooo much from me and you only give 10% of what I give. You just ask too much!

I ignored his email until this morning and then in my hurt and desperation sent a reply saying I didn't know asking for love and respect and fairness is sooo much to ask. And I told him he doesn't want me to love him and the more I try to love him the more he wants to hurt me. He doesn't want this marriage to work and he just wants to win. He is playing games, even when I pour out my heart and try to reach out to him, he finds a way to upset me and I congratulated him on his "win" and reminded him how unchristian this is and that God is my witness and my guardian and my protector.

He will either not reply at all and plot how to take revenge by probably badmouthing me to everyone in his hometown and by letting our debts go into arrears, etc. OR he will send a reply calling my love a fake or none existent and telling me he's done with my ungrateful disrespectful crap!

Why don't I learn from history? Why don't I learn that he is not working from the same belief and logic system as me or most others. He just wants win, hurt, dominate, control and when he can't accomplish this by faking kindness and care then he will do it by destroying, revenge and discarding.
Now I feel sick to my stomach again and feel down and worthless and like a failure again. Doubting myself! He did it again and now he is on with his life celebrating his victory and feeling sorry for himself being a victim of an evil bad wife for so long.

I have been feeling very ill physically the last few weeks, I have had strange symptoms and some match those of an early pregnancy. As I mentioned earlier there is a small chance this could be the case but I hope and pray to God I'm not punished by being pregnant with his child. I told him I feel sick and I feel like I may be pregnant. He called me crazy and changed the subject. Just the thought of having to deal with his abuse for another 18+ years while trying to protect another human being from his poison scares me to death.

S.

He is interested again...

It is 8 days since I left our home and the city we were living in. I really don't know what is going on. Since last time I blogged I emailed his mom asking for an address because I figured Joe is not going to give me his new address and if I need to send him some documents or something I need an address. His mom never replied to my email but I got a text from Joe asking me why I emailed her?
Anyway, this kind of opened the lines of communication again, I asked to call him because I wanted to discuss his plans for us to pay our debt and how he wants to share the payments and just to get a taste of where he stand in regards to making our separation permanent and legal. In my country there is no "legal separation". As soon as you don't live together anymore you are considered separated and the next available option is applying for divorce.

One reason I haven't pushed for divorce is that I can't afford it. Having no jobs, having bills to pay and not having rich parents to rely on means I have to find a job first, then find a cheap lawyer and then start saving like crazy to help pay our mutual debt. I hate that I'm in this situation. I hate that he makes twice more money than me even if I find a job and I would never be able to compete with him in terms of having a good lawyer and decent quality of life.
So I have to keep things relatively friendly at least until I find some stability back in my home town and at least find a decent job to survive.
In my conversation with him he was not rude or aggressive as usual but he continued to calmly blame everything on me and told me since I'm the one who got angry and left, I am responsible for this mess. I reminded him that I didn't leave because of a sudden burst of anger, and that this is the result of 16 months of not being appreciated, put down and blamed for everything. I told him I will never take 100% blame. I don't know if he got it, and I don't know if he ever will.

I did mention that I wish things were different, that I wish we could be like normal couples, that I have had to always live in a fantasy what it would feel like our relationship was normal (he wasn't a narcissist) and we could just be at peace and a team like other couples. I don't think he gets how important this is or what it means either.
Last couple of days he has been very nice all of a sudden. He is confessing his love to me again and tells me he misses me and hopes that we can be together forever. He has told me he wants to come see me during the Christmas holidays and he will pay my bills?

His new interest and niceness scares me more than anything because there is a huge part inside of me that screams he hasn't changed and he just wants to be the winner and not look bad in front of others. Or maybe he realized I'm not joking regarding this whole I'm not coming back unless HE makes some changes as well and unless I know I won't be miserable again!

I want to tell him before he decides to come see me here that I can't live with him hanging out with those low life friends all the time and doing his legal drugs and deny his addiction. But I know as soon as I say this out loud he will be gone again and I become the enemy who is trying dominate and control him. I will have to say this to him at some point to wake him up from the dream that he can just show up here with some gifts or nice words and I pack up move away with him again. I don't know when I'll tell him but I have to.
I also need to tell him this will never change unless he gets help. I'm afraid to bring these up because I have so many times in the past and he never got it! He just got mad and called me controlling and crazy! Sigh!

I feel like I don't have the energy to fight with him anymore, or even go through our nice times. But at the same time I don't have the energy to go through a bitter divorce where I'll be screwed financially and I will go in a lot of debt.
I spoke with a lawyer (free consultation) and they said regardless of income the debts will be divided 50/50 if they are in both your names. Just thinking about that as well as the insane legal fees I will have to endure on very low income makes me want to take no action. At the same time I know if I move back with him I will be miserable. So I feel stuck!
I'm restoring some energy to have a chat with him sometime next week to let him know I'm not going to go back with him unless he admits all his mistakes and apologize for what he has done so far. And unless he makes obvious changes in his life style so that I don't feel like a toy, pet or an accessory in my own house!

I've been trying hard to keep busy and focus on the present rather than the past. My parents and family have been very supportive and I couldn't have done it without them. I also don't want to disappoint them by going back to the man I described to them as emotionally abusive.

There is also 1% chance I could be pregnant with his child (which I pray to God won't be the case and I will know the answer within a week). That is another reason I've hold off on making super permanent decisions because that could affect the more long term decisions.

For now, for the next 3 weeks until Christmas I can be in peace knowing I'm at a safe place with my family and if he chooses to see me like he says he can come here, get a hotel somewhere and I will remain in the city and with the people who make me feel loved and at peace. I rather be broke, divorced and lonely than be in a relationship with someone who treats me like their property and their pet.

I pray God helps me get passed this nightmare situation and show me the right steps to take.

S.

Recalling how he made me feel

Over the next few weeks I may post 1, 2 or even 3 blog posts a day. There are a lot of thoughts that come through my head during the day and feelings regarding my marriage that I may not want to forget. My goal is to write down everything, because I know in the upcoming months I will forget certain details and I will need these details for those times that I will regret my decision or wonder was it really that bad?

I still am not a 100% sure that I made the right decision to leave, or at least I'm not sure if I made the decision at the right time. I go from being sure to doubtful and regretful through out the day.
In this blog I wanted to write down some of my main negative feelings during this marriage and what doubts and questions would go through my mind most days. A lot of these things I brought up to him as well, but 99.9% of the time they were dismissed, ignored or responded to by anger.

- I felt like he wanted me to be a pet, not a wife. I don't always remember why he made me feel that way and so often, but I know in many arguments I mentioned that I don't want to be his pet, I don't want to follow him around like a dog and get petted when he feels like it and given a treat if i'm a good girl. To be barking and jumping in joy no matter what he does. I think that was probably the main thing I complained to him in our marriage, that he wants a pet not a wife. Anyone else ever have that feeling?
It's funny in one of our last arguments he told me I want him to be a pet and that he will never be like that. (projection?) I never wanted a pet, I wanted to be equals!

- I felt like his love was not sincere or deep

- I felt like coming down to it (or given an ultimatum), he would choose his friends, video games, legal drugs or any other thing for that matter that he chose to have in his life over me. It was all about control for him so even if something obviously hurt our relationship he would never give it up because then he would "lose" and be "dominated". He was obsessed with domination! If I shared my feelings about something he was doing, no matter how slight or friendly, he would say: I will Never let you dominate me Ever!!! Me: wtf????!!?

- Double standards! He would curse me, degrade me and talk to me in the most condescending manner calling me names and if I complained he was just stating "FACTS".... But if I said the tiniest negative thing or criticism or even just question something he did or said he would RAGE and call me the most disturbing things and pack up and leave to his friends. His insults were always facts and my reaction to his insult was always me being an ungrateful, disrespectful b*tch.

- When it came to physical intimacy he wanted it to be his way or the highway. I never gave in to that because I felt like it was wrong, but he never stopped ridiculing me and insulting me because of it and in the end I think the fact that I never fully gave in to his requests lead him to not be able to fake his 'love' for much longer.

- I always worried why a self professing Christian from a Christian traditional family who goes to church and participates in related study groups would choose friends who are 10 years his junior, drug addicts or ex drug addicts, with no values and into porn and things of that nature. This always bothered me, and the fact that he spent most of his time with them and we never had time to make some new mutual friends together that we can both hang out with. Did he chose them because they would never question his actions and character???

- I always felt like all his nice deeds and actions towards me were just acting. I don't know maybe it's my interpretation only and maybe it's not nice of me to think this way but I always felt like he does those nice things to either get something from me in return or to bring it up later in his rage mode to say see I do everything for you and you do nothing. (even though I left my job, life, city I lived in for half of my life, my family and friends to go 5 hour away to marry him and live with him so he doesn't lose his job or friends and family) I mean only God can judge how much of what he did was genuine but I could never shed that feelings of doubt!

- I never understood how someone can say they love someone the most in the world and tell you that you make them so happy and they pray God helps them to love you more everyday for the rest of your lives, AND THEN 5 seconds later you ask a question that their sensitive ego takes as an attack or share a feeling regarding something they disagree and he would turn into this wrathful angry enemy calling you to war, putting his boxing gloves on (figuratively speaking) and say the most hurtful, cruel things to you. And when you listen to a Narcissist say those words to you, you can feel the hate, coldness, war and lack of compassion. It's quite scary and bone chilling how fast they go from one extreme to the other.

- I hated how he was always in competition with me, I would start talking about a subject just to share my thoughts, and the second I would disagree with something he said he would get into I'm better than you, You suck at this I don't, You don't have the right to even speak of this because I know more and am better, Only speak to me about the subject when you obviously aren't worse than me at it, etc.
I hated it because most of the times it was just something to discuss, like all married couples do, something to plan our future, something to make us get closer, never my intention to compare myself to him but he would always always always turn every conversation either into a war, competition or a challenge.

- He was so unfair because he said I started every argument, but he failed to acknowledge or notice that he would provoke me and push my buttons over and over or do something obviously unpleasant or wrong and then as soon as I reacted he would say as usual you are starting the argument and then from that point on tables were turned and we had forget the subject and just talk about how much of an ungrateful, rebellious wife I am.

- If I brought up to him the fact that he was raging and aggressive towards me and he needs to stop attacking me like that, he would say you think this is angry? you think this is aggressive? *insert proud condescending smirk* you haven't seen aggressive! If I showed you real anger and aggression you would fall down on the ground curled up in a ball like the weak woman that you are! (I have to mention his abuse was never physical)

Sigh, it's very very sad writing all this and having the memories come back but at the same time it's therapeutic because then I know why I would have never been at peace for the rest of my life if I stayed. Or do they get better? Is there hope for this kind of situation?

S.